Resolutions?

What is up with New Years Resolutions? Like who invented this concept? I am not a total scrooge when it comes to goal-setting; goals are obviously important and provide guidance and whatever, but there is just so much pressure with New Years resolutions and I am really all set with it.

I have made several New Years resolutions to exercise more and make better food choices in past years. My pattern goes something like this: I go on a total binge the last few days of the year in an attempt to make myself feel the most grotesque and as disgusting as I can so that the shame and guilt of such a binge will propel me straight into Resolutionville. The binge part is the most fun- so much lo mein, ice cream, overpriced cheese and fancy cookies, and more ice cream.

fat-monica
Me, Eating. 2016

Arriving in Resolutionville? Not so fun. I never really unpack all my bags once I get there. (I should mention I still haven’t fully unpacked my bags from a trip to Florida from Labor Day this year either so clearly unpacking is an issue for me).

So I have decided that this year I am not going to make any real resolutions. And I’ll tell you why.

Lately, Maddy has this really endearing thing happening where she tells me its the worst day of her life, about 18 times a day. For example, the other day I took her to the Burger King Drive Thru (don’t judge, we all do it) and she didn’t get the toy she wanted and claimed it was the “worst day of her life”.

DUDE. SHUT UP. The WORST day of your life?!

kristin-wig

I then asked her:
Is she eating food? -“yes”
Did she sleep in a warm bed last night?- “yes”
Does she have two parents that love her? – “yes”
Did Santa bring her a shit ton of toys this year?- “yes”

“So is this really the worst day of your life Maddy?” – Total silence.

Yeah, so STFU and eat your nuggets. I still love you though.

After about a million of these incidents, I decided that for 2017 I am going to continue doing what I am doing. I will continue to feed my kid, let her sleep inside, buy her silly toys, and love her unconditionally. Isn’t that a lot of work for any parent? I had a really bad cold this whole week and still managed to go food shopping, clean the house, and take her and her buddy on a playdate today. I’m doing alright.

Just a mini list of some other resolutions I plan to make this year:

  1. Hire the cleaning people more so I don’t have to clean, and then I won’t get mad about the house being dirty. Win-win for all involved parties.
  2. Buy a shit ton of those “Tile” things so Greg will stop asking me where his stuff is.
  3. Cook more because I enjoy it and so I’ll stop going to BK.
  4. Attend like one or two yoga classes so I can tell people I take yoga.
  5. Try and show my face in Maddy’s classroom a little more so the teachers don’t think I’m some random woman bringing her to school.
  6. Hire a date-night babysitter so Greg and I can hang and so Maddy stops asking us to go out every time she sees the “Care.com” commercial. (I feel the love Mads)
  7. Practice giving myself more of a break when I don’t live up to unrealistic mom standards.

 

So lets all resolve (is that the right word?) to continue keeping our children alive. It is exhausting. Give yourself a break and just keep doing what you’re doing.

Happy New Year!

Amateur Hour

I am a mom who wants to be tech-savvy, but really isn’t. However, I am very well-equipped to navigate any and all social media. I excel at checking social media frequently. I have received numerous A’s in the social media field and have even made Deans List due to my Instagram excellence. But when it comes to other technology stuff I’m really no good, which is why I preface the following video with this tidbit of info about me. I wanted to make a movie, so I did. I like to pretend I am a perfectionist because all the other perfect moms are perfectionists, and I just wanna fit in! But I am not a perfectionist. I am more of a “well this seems so look decent so lets go with it”, (which is why Maddy frequently looks like she just came home from playing at the town dump and we don’t even have a town dump).

So I made a video about Christmas and I put it in all black-and-white because it made my face look a teensy bit better than what it actually looked like. I chose to film this with my iPhone because I do not have any other type of camera, and I also chose to film this wearing zero make-up because that is how I usually look. I also got nervous because I look like I have 1800 chins in a couple of these shots, but I mean whatever. I can’t always stretch my neck out like an ostrich in videos because I don’t actually look like that. So basically I don’t want anyone to be too confused when they see me in real life accompanied by 1800 chins.

My brother is a legit video editor and I did consider consulting with him on this little project, but then I decided that this blog is specifically about not doing things perfectly so I decided to wing it and see what happened. It’s not about to be nominated for an Academy Award, so please lower your expectations.

I hope you enjoy it!

 

 

(I did make a version of the video without the two giant black bars on either side but it ended up being WAY too big and my face was just gigantic on the screen. I made the executive decision to not force that upon any viewer).

CHRISTMAAAAAAAS

football-pic

I am a mom who loves Christmas.

I fuckin LOVE Christmas. I’m not sure when Christmas decided to get hooked on steroids, but I am all for it. Call me an enabler, but the more roids Christmas can get ahold of the better. I feel like Christmas wasn’t as big of a deal when I was a kid, but I truly feel I am alive at the right time. It’s like when women used to drink and smoke while pregnant- what a time to be alive! So naive, so free, so irresponsible- and they didn’t even know it! This is how I feel about Christmas. (It doesn’t totally relate but you get what I mean).

So we have the Elf on the Shelf, and his name is Football. I really thought the whole Elf thing was going to be creepy and weird, but it’s really not. It’s more annoying and inconvenient than anything else. I have forgotten to move the Elf twice this season. Football was tired from a long day of doing nothing/not being alive or real. Whoops.

The thing about the Elf on the Shelf is that is forces parents to be creative, and Greg and I are all set with that. Football doesn’t make snow angels with flour, or go fishing for goldfish. I have no fuckin time for that. Football likes to move from curtain rod to curtain rod, hang out in a stocking, and maybe sit on a tree branch. Somehow my kid eats this shit up and every day she is amazed that Football moved across the living room to a new surface. Thank God she is so easy going/her Elf standards are low, it really takes the pressure off. The above picture is Football last night. He got a little crazy and threw an old decorative ribbon thing over his head. That is as creative as it gets around here.

While I love Christmas, I don’t love wrapping presents. I love the idea of loving to wrap presents because I enjoy adorable wrapping paper. But no one ever really gives a shit and it all gets tossed into the trash anyways. And what about those people who carefully unwrap presents to “save” the wrapping paper because it’s so pretty? What bullshit. They don’t save shit. It’s not like people actually saves wrapping paper as a memento, or re-uses it. You can’t reuse it, because then it’ll be all crumply and have crinkles and the person opening the present with crinkly wrapping paper will think the person giving the present is cheap AF. Greg and I have navigated the wrapping paper issue by having Santa bring all the presents Maddy gets. Santa doesn’t have time to wrap presents. Santa leaves presents in a little pile by the tree and moves onto the next and everyone is happy.

So if you are a parent who forgets to move the Elf, don’t feel bad. It’s not real. It’s a stuffed animal and your kid should be happy you love them enough to even have such a ridiculous (but soooo cute) Christmas tradition going on. And if you are a parent who wraps Christmas presents for your kids, and enjoys it, keep going! I am impressed at how un-lazy you are and how very lazy I am. And although this post may have come off as pessimistic, I really do love Christmas and the entire holiday season. I may not be good at it, but I do love it.

So Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays from my family to yours!

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(Maddy in the silly hat we made for Silly Hat Day at school with a nerf gun. Festive AF).

 

 

 

First Post

Hello people of the world,

So I have been wanting to write a blog for some time now, and every time I go to actually write it, I get very lazy and end up online shopping (and then I don’t even buy anything). I’ll be honest and share that I am very nervous to write a blog and write things that other people will read, but then I remember that like .0000001% of the population will actually read this, and that makes me feel better.

I follow/read several mom blogs (like three), and I am always envious of these women who appear so put-together, cool, calm, collected, crafty, clean, etc. I don’t understand and I am very jealous of these individuals. I try and imagine them in real-life, and I just cant. I don’t actually think these people exist, but the internet tells me they do, so maybe they do.

Anyways, I wanted to write a blog for mothers who struggle to relate to the aforementioned woman. This blog is for anyone, but specifically mothers, who are very much imperfect and very much do not give a fuck. Most of the time, I don’t really care. But sometimes I do, and I thought it might be nice to share those feelings of inadequacy with other ladies who might feel the same way I do. So for my first post, I shall explain the type of mother I am:

I am a mom of a six year old girl, Maddy, who is crazy and I love her very much for it.

I am a mom in an unmarried domestic partnership, and I very much like to use such a politically correct term to describe my relationship because it makes me sound like an asshole.

I am a mom who loves her UDP (Unmarried Domestic Partner), Greg, so much. Yes, Greg is the father of my daughter and we do not know when we are going to get married but we know we want to and that should clear up any lingering questions. Greg also will hate being referred to as my UDP.

I am a mom who is currently in school full-time and I cannot always make my daughter’s school events, and I am rarely able to drop her off at school because of my crazy schedule. My UDP conducts the entire morning routine and though it can be hard for me sometimes to accept that, sometimes I love having a legitimate excuse to run out the door when Maddy is refusing to eat breakfast/wear real clothes and I don’t have to deal with it.

I am a mom who swears so much.

I am a mom who buys organic occasionally (when we have extra money and I am feeling fancy), and doesn’t really care about organic food. Other than chicken. I prefer organic chicken cause I watched that documentary “Food, Inc.” and it scared the shit out of me and also really grossed me out.

I am a mom who hardly ever dresses their child nicely and neatly. My UDP dresses her most days and that is an entirely separate issue that I can’t get into right now.

I am a mom who lets laundry pile up and generally is 2+ weeks behind in laundry. I anticipate this to be a life-long struggle for which I will eventually hire professional help for.

I am a mom who buys way too many stupid fucking toys at CVS, Target, etc, so my kid will stop whining in the store and so I fill my mom-complex and believe this toy will make her love me more.

I am mom who truly enjoys cooking and I am actually an excellent chef. For example, tonight I made a Prime Rib for the first time and it was dope AF.

I am a mom who yells at her kid and feels bad after, but then does it again because my child’s ears lately are permanently fucking broken and I can’t take it anymore.

I am a mom who googles/tries to find a book about being a parent who doesn’t yell, but knows this is an unrealistic goal.

I am a mom who does not enjoy playing with children’s toys, because I am no longer a child.

I am a mom who loves her child so fucking much it hurts and I just want her to love me the way she loves me right now for the rest of her life, like when she is 18 and won’t want to hang out with me but maybe she will realize I am awesome and she will love me so much that she will invite me out with her and her friends. I want to hold onto this love she has for me forever.

 

The above list is not comprehensive, obviously. There are so many other things “wrong” or imperfect about me. This blog is for any woman, mom, man, father, or other identity who is exhausted by the current parenting situation going on in the universe right now and finds the standard to not only be completely unattainable, but also complete bullshit. So, if you identify with anything I’ve mentioned or want me to mention in the future, please continue to read.

 

(P.S I am so terrified to post this for people to read but I’m gonna do it even though I am about to piss my pants from embarrassment).