Fear, Doubt, and Insecurities.

It has officially been one month since my last blog post. I’ve been MIA and it’s mostly due to school (I had an exam every week for three weeks straight), but it is also due to some fears around what I am going to post about tonight.

If you’ve read my blog before/know me in real life, you know I like to joke around. I love getting the laugh. But I also wrote this blog with the intention of being “real” about parenthood and I what I want to write about for this post is a little less comical and a little more serious, at least for me. So bear with me while I try and keep a straight face for a sec.

I am three weeks away from my due date. Three weeks away from meeting my second child; three weeks away from Maddy being my only child. It is really bittersweet. On the one hand I am SO excited to meet this little person and I am somehow excited for those late night feedings (but I mean not really, just the endearing visions I have of us bonding while I feed him and watching episodes of Friends that will happen maybe once). I am excited to have another baby in the house and to watch him grow. I am excited to watch Maddy become a big sister and take on a role that I know will be very important to her. No matter what I say about my kid, she is a little girl who loves her family SO much and talks frequently about her excitement over becoming a big sister.

But lately the bitterness of the situation has been creeping in, and it hits me every few days. Maybe (absolutely, 100%) its hormonal. And while it’s very embarrassing to share, I will tell you that I find myself experiencing these episodes where I am crying (sobbing) about the loss of my time alone with Maddy. I feel like an old Greek Yiayia mourning the loss of her beloved.

Maddy made me a mother, and it has been just her and I for the last six years. When I became a mother I was so young, and so unsure about myself. I feel way more ready about mothering an infant this time around, and part of me feels guilty about that. Am I the only mom who feels that way? I feel like I was so underprepared the first time around, and I’ve gathered some more equipment along the way so I’m in a better place now, and that makes me feel so guilty! Like why did I not have the equipment the first time around? Did the store not sell it, or did I just not know it even existed? Is this fair to my first kid? Or is this a totally normal feeling?

And then I get scared that I won’t love this new baby as much as I love Maddy. Maybe it’s impossible to have the same kind of love I have for Maddy as I will for the new baby. She was my first baby and completely changed my life. And then I feel guilty all over again for having those thoughts! My god the mom guilt is really making itself present in my life lately.

I’ve heard these kinds of feelings are normal, but I still can’t shake them. I heard something very sappy a few weeks ago that has stuck with me lately, especially during this emotional time. A woman I know was telling me about her sister who had passed away, and before she passed she reflected on how well she loved throughout her life. And this question keeps popping into my head, especially when I get short with Maddy and lose my temper (which is frequent). How well have I loved today? How loving and kind was I to my kid, who probably just annoyed me because she is being a kid? She has no idea how afraid I am about this new baby and yet instead of reacting with patience and understanding, I let the fear get the best of me and react with anger. It’s unfair to her, and ultimately to myself because then the mom guilt rolls in all over again. (Don’t worry I am not gonna change all my parenting habits too much, as I yelled at her last night for interrupting me while I was on a very important phone call to change the channel because the didn’t like the show she was watching anymore).

So to sum up, I am quite afraid about this new chapter of my life. I’m totally embarrassed to share these feeling and fears with readers, but this is just a little blog and I sortof hope other moms will reach out and tell me they felt this way too, and that it’ll be okay. I’m sorry if I got too emo with you, but sometimes a girl needs to be a bit of a sap in between her comedy routine.

Also please stay tuned for three weeks from now when I am sleep deprived, totally in love with my new human, and want to light myself on fire for writing something so mushy and sentimental.

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