Mothering doesn’t come natural to me. I’m not trying to be self-depricating, I’m just stating the facts. When I became a mother it was a choice, not a calling. I am no Charolette Yorke and I never will be. I have to work really hard at being a mom, or at least a decent one. I have always been inpatient, stubborn, and prone to temper-tantrums. In short, I am permanently three years old. (And having kids when you’re three is just not ideal).
I yell at my kid far too often than I should. Sometimes she’s being an asshole and I don’t really have a choice. Other times (most of the time) I am being the asshole. Lately I’ve been the asshole reigning champ in our house and I am trying to get into a better practice of taking a pause to ask the heavens to throw my some patience because I sure as fuck can’t make myself patient on my own will.
I was supposed to be finishing up nursing school this summer but plans changed and I’m going to be home. I’ve become a temporary SAHM and I am still getting used to this lifestyle that has been pretty foreign to me the past few years. It’s not easy for me, as I am typically always on-the-go. The past few weeks have been quite a change and I have to admit I don’t totally hate it like I thought I would. (It also helps that I have a very cute baby to hang out with and he can’t talk back yet).
I am learning to become a mom again. A mom who is around, instead of studying all the time. A mom who takes her kid to the park every day after school. A mom who remembers snacks and sunscreen. A mom who talks to other moms on the playground because I haven’t talked to another adult all day. A mom who remembers to bathe their kid every day and makes a decent dinner every night (still mostly taking stuff out of the freezer and putting it into the microwave, but it’s a start). A mom who has completed some minor house projects that I’ve been putting off for years (OK that’s kindof a lie- I bought the paint for the bathroom makeover three weeks ago but have yet to start the process. I do have hope though). I’m a mom who is learning to be more present with her kids. I’m a mom who is starting to really enjoy being around my six year-old instead of being constantly annoyed by all the “kid problems”. I’m becoming the type of mother that I want to be instead of only thinking about it.
Do I have bad days? All the fucking time. Every single day I have at least 400 bad moments that sometimes I wish I could take back. But I’m also learning that I don’t have to hate myself every time I yell at Maddy. For example, when I ask her to do something (or not do something) ten times in a five minute time span, and she continues to do it/not listen to me, then yeah I am going to yell and no, I don’t feel bad about it. There are probably more therapeutic ways to teach her these lessons but I don’t really feel like learning about them. I’m not that progressive.
So here are a few pictures of the last couple weeks, while I’ve been momin’ it up on the daily. And if you think I’ve totally turned a corner in terms of parenting, you should follow me on Instagram because my Instastories definitely tell a different tale. (@momswhoDGAF)
Hope you are all having a great weekend and God speed to all the parents out there who now have kids on summer vacation.